I'm working on stillness these days. Stillness of mind and stillness of body. Boredom and stability. I recently discovered in some dark winding Instagram hallway a craft business stranger who had made the move from Brooklyn to Austin to focus on her craft business. The exact opposite of the move I made. And as she expounded up on the ways in which the simplicity of her Austin routine (in the most impactful instance, hanging out in springs and beautiful natural waterways) had fine tuned much of her life. And I felt such a wash of modern existential muck. The guilt from veering so far off the well lit passages of connection that social media delivers best. The shrinking feeling of comparing and feeling wanting. The brain fog of self doubt. The jealousy, the fear, the bargaining, the projection, the passion, the flame and the smoke from the smoldering.
I recently talked to a friend about the power of naming. Ours was a conversation about mental health and what a clumsy fit the terms can be for the feelings they supposedly speak for. This is a great parallel to the feelings of a social media wormhole. It is a sort of reverse soul searching. It is runs side by side with inward looking, while being completely without. It seems like a perfect place for reflection, while dealing only in could be. To even look at a a photo that invokes jealousy is to deal in the jangle of speculative nerves. The dangerous game of calibrating fantasy and desire, with reality and acceptance.
I have left a relationship this year, that I really would rather not have. And I have been missing it. Missing her. And in the reminiscing for something that didn't quite develop the legs and eyes of a breathing being, I feel comfort and yet it is the comfort of a breeze. A loving embrace dissipated totally. So I am living in this calibration. I am afraid I may always put a disproportionate amount of self-worth in my relationship status. Something which during certain parts of the past five years I hid from myself by focusing on myself. Doing good and important soul searching and challenging of myself. Growing to a place where I was ready to make Shipwreck happen. And then being big enough to put it away and focus on family, to work through my grief, to take care of and better understand the nature of my depression, and finally to come back to Shipwreck again.
These feelings refracted when I met someone who mattered. To my heart that is. After the relationship I have struggled to be as OK as I once was with my singledom. I have to admit that it's not something I particularly want. That it was a perfect excuse to do some serious work, but though there is much more to do, I don't need all the space anymore. I could use some divvying up. Some more input to my calibration.
I hold my head up. I look forward, and I know deep down, that I will never give up. Always life is the opportunity to try. It's an exquisite opportunity, and there is so much to love. So today I focus on loving where and when and who I can. It's a long life, and full of unknowns. And though I am often carried off by the sea surging in a stock pot. My feelings pulling me off the ground, or prone to it. Nothing really changes. Gravity has yet to slip. Just the internal world, sloshing.
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